This has been THEE craziest year I think I have ever had.
It started off shitty, and it seems like it's going to end pretty shitty.
Don't get me wrong, this year had really good moments, but it's like a sandwich of emotions, bad then good then bad, haha.
This year started with Chris being in the hospital for a major heart rejection and my grandpa dying.
My grandpa dying was, Melissa's favorite word, bittersweet, kinda.
It was sad to see my last grandparent die, but I was in no way sad that he did die.
He was a horrible man, who did horrible things.
He was never remorseful and never apologized or anything.
I'm just glad my mom got to watch him die, I feel like it was a poetic justice of sorts.
He killed her innocence and childhood, well ruined her life for that matter, and she got to see him take his last breathe.
He also died a miserable death on top of that.
He had some rare form of cancer that started as polyps on his lungs and slowly, and painfully, spread throughout his whole body.
His lungs were completely filled with polyps and he had huge tumors in his arms to where he couldn't move his arms.
Actually, one of the tumors got so big his skin split and he got gangrene in it.
He ended up in the hospital for a few days in an induced coma where he finally died.
After that his seven children, my mom and her siblings, had to deal with all the shit he left behind.
He had no will, so my crazy ass aunts and uncle fought over everything.
Well the one crazy aunt, alcoholic uncle, and crackhead uncle.
So that was fun...
We also had to clean a 3 story house in San Francisco that was filled to the ceiling on every story with shit.
That is in no way an exaggeration.
It literally was completely full to the ceiling with stuff my grandpa, grandma, and aunt horded.
So after that, Chris was in the hospital with a major heart rejection, after having a seizure at my feet.
That was the first time I have ever been around someone who went into anything like that, so it kinda freaked me out.
On the heart rejection scale of 1, being ok, to 5 being you're dying, he was at a 4.
He ended up being ok after about a month or so.
So after that which was December/January, everything seemed to level out pretty much.
I was in my last semester at CCC about to graduate with honors and 2 degrees.
Chris and I did our thing and went on adventures and got into trouble like we always did.
My sister tagged along sometimes.
It was pretty fucking great.
I graduated in May and for my graduation present we went to Dada Life's rave.
It was my first real rave and it was fucking amazing.
It totally changed my life.
I have been to little raves, if that's what you can call it, but nothing to that magnitude of awesomeness.
Chris, Melissa, and I always talked about it and how it was the best time of our lives and when they come back to California we were going again no matter where it was.
Chris would always talk about it and how it was the best thing ever and it was the best thing to ever happen in his life.
We danced that night for 8 hours straight.
Chris danced even with his heart, and not being able to really be physical like that.
It's something that I never want to forget.
In June one of my cousins got married.
Long story short, Melissa and I got sat at the reject table alone, so I decided we were going to get shitfaced.
Well I decided I was going to get shitfaced and my brother and sister followed my lead haha.
Chris was in the wedding party, as he was asked last minute to be in it.
But at the reception he was with me and Melissa.
We got so fucking drunk!!
I don't really remember that night, well much of it.
That was another night I never want to forget...well at least the parts I remember anyway.
It started off lame and sucky, but in Chris, Melissa, and my fashion, we had the funnest time.
That was the first night ever that me and my siblings got that drunk together.
My 21st birthday Chris was a little tipsy, but he was on hella meds so he wasn't drunk drunk.
This night we were beyond shitfaced.
And to make it better, it was the first time my parents saw me drunk.
And then my whole family on my mom's side saw us drunk.
It just cemented in their heads how ratchet they think we are.
Oh fuckin well!
That night in the hotel apparently was hella funny, but I don't remember it.
After that was my birthday.
It was a surprise party and my brother took me to a drag show.
AH it was so amazing!!
I fucking love drag queens and he knows that, so he took me to go see some.
That's how he was.
If he knew you liked something or were into something he'd research it, or find more info for you on it, or get you it, or whatever he could do to make you have whatever it was.
Like when I wanted an AR15 and a Desert Eagle, he told me everything he knew about them and everything else about guns.
He would go on and on about them and what they does and how they fire and blah blah blah.
He then told me about other guns that'd be cool too.
He planned for us to go shooting when we both got the guns we wanted and all this other stuff.
I don't think I'm ever going to find anyone that's even going to come close to my brother.
Well I found someone who is kinda close, but nothing like how my brother was.
In July my brother went to the ER and we found out that he was in rejection again, and that his electrons in his heart weren't going through like it was supposed to.
They had to do an ablation, which basically means that took a laser and created a scar over his existing scar from his transplant in order for the electrons to go through his heart properly.
The phone call I got the day of the procedure was the worst one ever.
I was at the movies with my best friend for my birthday.
We were walking into the actual theater when my sister called frantic.
She told me that she got a call from the hospital saying we had to get there right away.
My friend and I refunded our tickets and I left to go get my family.
I just remember the whole time praying that he was going to be ok.
I just couldn't loose him right now and I needed him.
I even tried to bargain with God and told him to take me instead.
Lame I know.
We get to the hospital, and I saw my brother in ICU.
They just got him to the room and he was unconscious.
They herded us into a room where the doctor came in balling.
My heart sank as she told us that my brother died on the table and it took an hour to revive him.
She told us that right now they have no idea if he's going to make it and if he did if he'd be a vegetable or not, and that he was on full life support.
They had him in an induced coma and in hypothermia.
They kept him like that for a couple days and slowly heated his body up and took him off the coma meds.
Long story short, he was completely fine.
He came out of it with no problem, which was a total miracle and no one could believe it.
They even wrote a medical journal on him.
I slept in the hospital every day until he woke up.
After that I slept in his room with him when they moved him downstairs.
He couldn't sleep without me there, so I stayed.
He came home toward the end of July, and we went out for my best friend's birthday.
Chris decided he wanted to go out more and do more.
So we did.
About 2 weeks after he got out of the hospital, on August 2nd at 4am, Chris died.
He died while I was giving him CPR, and we were the only ones in the room.
I guess in retrospect it was a good way for him to go.
Just me and him fighting for him to live.
Like it always was.
It was always me and him against the world.
I made a promise before he died that when he died I'd dress up like Hulk Hogan and do the funeral talking and dressed like him, and Melissa had to dress like the Grim Reaper and stand over his casket not saying or doing anything.
You know we kept that promise.
There was no way we wouldn't.
As you know I whole heatedly do not believe in promises, unless you make damn sure to keep them.
It was one of the only promises I have ever made, and I went all out.
Though it was a really sad day, it was in total Chris fashion.
During that time I met this guy.
He's not really important in this story right now.
Well he is pretty important, but I'm keeping him a secret for now.
For Chris's birthday, Melissa and I went to San Diego for Dada Life.
As I said before Chris, Melissa, and I vowed to go to their rave the next time they came to California no matter where they were playing.
Melissa and I did just that and partied all fucking night for Chris.
We were famous that night.
Everyone wanted pictures with us and to dance with us.
We were 2 fat girls dancing non stop the whole night without a care in the world.
I had so many dudes dancing all up on me lol.
It was ridiculous.
And during Dada's set they played all of Chris's songs.
It was the most perfect night.
After that we fucked around San Diego and LA.
It was a 4 day trip and we had so much fun just the two of us for our brother.
The last few months since Chris has died hasn't been easy at all, but I keep going.
I don't stop for anything, as much as I wanted to, I know Chris would have been mad if I did.
It would've been so easy to say fuck it and give up on school, my jobs, my family and friends, on that guy, and on everything else, because honestly, without Chris nothing really matters to me anymore.
It's hard to explain, but nothing even tastes the same, nothing is as funny, everything lost it's meaning.
But I have to keep living and I have to reach my goals.
If I don't I'm letting Chris down.
So as much as tonight is going to suck without him, I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm going to go to the city and drink and watch the fireworks, because that's what my brother would've wanted to do.
This next year is going to be difficult without him, but I just am going to remind myself every time I want to give up that Chris would be pissed if I did.
He was my motivation.
He was my rock.
My everything.
But I just have to find a way to be without him.
I'm just thankful for the people in my life.
The one's that have stayed with me through my disappearing at times, drunken, angry, crazy, highly emotion self.
I want to thank Holly for being there every day through all my bullshit.
I have never had anyone like you that wasn't my siblings.
I love you and thank you.
I can't wait to hear about your sexcapades from tonight ;)
And to the asshole who is all the way across the country right now, thank you for staying with me even after I went crazy on you a couple times.
You are honestly the only reason I kept going even when I didn't want to.
I love you, you fucking shitface.
Fuck you and your chimney sweep!
So all this being said...
I'm looking forward for this next year and everything it's going to bring.
I'm pretty happy where I'm at right now, and who I have in my life.
So bring it on 2014!
I'm ready!!
