Song of the Day

I think the lyrics speak for themself <3

 

Breathing you in when I want you out.
Finding our truth in a hope of doubt.
Lying inside our quiet drama.
~
Wearing your heart like a stolen dream.
Opening skies with your broken keys.
No one can blind us any longer.
~
We'll run where lights won't chase us.
Hide where love can save us.
I will never let you go.



And The Hits Keep Coming...But I Stay Fighting!

So this past week I have had what seems like a million tests done.

I finally went to the doctor and handled shit.

I have been needing to go back for a couple years now because of my back stuff.

So I went back because of an allergic reaction to the HPV shot, which is great cause now my vagina will probably fall out of my body one day...

Anyway as I was there, since it was my first time seeing this doctor, she asked me my history.

I told her about my back, so she ordered an xray.

She asked about family history as well, obviously I told her about Chris, so she ordered an ultrasound on my heart just as precaution.

So I got a call I think Wednesday saying that my doctor would like to set up a phone appointment with me to go over my test results.

(She said if it was all good she'd send an email, if not a phone appt.)

So I knew it was my xray because I saw my blood work online and it was all good.

I already knew I had preexisting shit with my back, so I figured it was just to talk about that.

Apparently I have an "impressive" amount of fractures in my spine.

She said she was astounded at how many there are.

I have to now get an MRI and go to the spinal clinic to see what the next steps are, ie surgery, injections, etc.

That somewhat freaked me out because anything with anesthesia kinda worries me because of Chris.

I just brushed it off and try not to think about it until whenever I have to deal with it.

 

Today she forwarded me the results of the ultrasound.

She told me that almost everything was normal.

Everything except I have tricuspid regurgitation, which basically is my tricuspid valve doesn't close all the way which is making the blood inside my heart flow backwards.

I now have to keep an eye out for developing heart failure symptoms.

This freaked me out, obviously.

I don't think I would normally be too worried about it, but I just lost my brother because of his heart.

Basically I have similar heart problems in the aspect of I could go into heart failure because of this condition.

I could end up how Chris ended up, and that scares me honestly.

On the other side, nothing could happen and I can go on living a long life until I get old die however I die.

I kind of don't really know how to feel.

All I know is that I am going to keep living like Chris did, and wanted us to.

I try to make the best out of everything no matter how hard it is.

I am overall pretty happy with what I have and who I have.

Everything else can fuck off.

I'm just trying to live a life worth living.

Hella cliche but I don't care!

When I'm old I am going to look back on everything I have done and experienced, and remember how amazing my life was and how many opportunities I got.

No matter what happens, if I die tomorrow or 80 years from now, I have no regrets.

I am not ashamed of what I have gone through and where I am today.

I am proud of my accomplishments and what I have made out of nothing.

I have lost a lot and gained a lot, and I wouldn't ask for a different life.

With everything I have been through, I have gotten through it all fighting my ass off.

I am stronger than most people and can handle anything anyone can throw at me.

God has a plan, and whether you believe in him or not, He will do what is planned.

I love Him and am grateful for the life I was allowed to have, good and bad.

Thank you God for everything you have given me.

I love you and whenever you decide to take me I am ready to go.

Ay Caramba

Where do I even start...

Ever since Chris died my life has gone on a crazy roller coster ride of craziness.

No fucking joke.

Like good and bad.

My life really did change forever when I lost him.

I am trying to take care of myself more like he wanted.

I'm trying to get my shit together and be successful to make him proud.

Honestly the only reason why I have forced myself to do anything this past month was because I know he'd be mad I didn't.

It's been hard but I kept myself going.

Well, I had some help from someone <3

For the most part I have been alone though, and that's what's the hardest.

I was so used to Chris being with me all the time and I loved it.

He was the only person who truly understood me completely.

He understood excatly why I was anxious, mad, sad, upset, happy, crazy, etc.

He was there for me no matter what.

He supported me in what I wanted to do nd even though he made fun of it, he believed in me.

He was the only one in my life that cared about me uncondtionally.

I lost the only person who I felt really was there, and it really fucking sucks.

I could've lost anyone else and probably would have made it easier, but I lost the most important person in my life.

The one that kept me going, and that was my rock.

Now I'm just a big fat blob wobbling around life. Haha.

I got this though!!

I am going to make it and I am going to be fine.

I have mostly good days, but then there's the days I think about what Chris is going to miss.

I think about all the things we had planned, and everything we talked about doing.

I just can't believe he isn't going to be here anymore.

Blah.

I didn't mean to go on a stupid rant :/

Ok enough of this sad shit!

UNICORNS SHITTING RAINBOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!