Leaping back and a confused brain

Meh.

So I brought up the fact that I have been sober for 3 years now the other day.

I was thinking about the shit I've been doing the past year or so, and I've been kinda slipping back into my old ways.
I mean not completely.
I've just been smoking hella much and drinking more than I should.
I have it under control this time, so its not all bad, but there's always the uncertainty of what can happen.
Sometimes I feel like saying fuck it I'm 21 and I'm doing what a normal 21 year old in college should be doing, but at the same time I'm not a normally 21 year old.
I've been through it already.
I've done shit at a young age and grown up hella fast.
I'm jaded already and it kinda sucks.
I've just been trying to cope I guess.
I mean its not really coping...I guess I'm just trying to survive again...
I mean this is the first time in my whole life where I've actually been living and feeling...literally.
I have never had a chance to live and I want to, but I have shit trying to hold me back.
Well people.
Don't get me wrong I'm still gonna do me no matter what, but it just gets hard when you got shit in your ear all the fucking time.
I'm stubborn and strong as fuck, but even the strongest wall can get a little erosion.
Ok so enough of this emotional shit.
I swear everyone who read my blog thinks I'm another whiny ass bitch.
I promise in reality I don't say any of this shit and act like a total dude.
This is my space to be as whiny and bitchy as I want!!
Blaaaaaaaah!
My brain is just everywhere...well it always is...but I just have alot on it right now.
I'm about to go to the gym to release some of this shit.
Let's "cope" the healthy way tonight...even though I already did some unhealthy "coping" tonight...cough cough