...

Haven't been on all week.

My computer crashed.

Lost EVERYTHING on my computer.

Fucking livid.

I'm used to shit like this happening though.

I don't understand why I'm always thrown so many fucking curve balls all the time...

Lost extremely important stuff.

I need to get out of this hell hole...

Stupid sleep pattern!!!

So I was heeeeeeella tired around 10 something, and I decided I would try to go to sleep early and see if I can wake up early(like 7am-ish).

I totally forgot my body won't let me get a full night's rest until after midnight/1am :(

So now I am awake 4 hours later...

I guess I had a nice nap...

I'd like to be sleeping right now.

Especially because I have to wake up in a few hours.

This happens every time too, haha.

So much for getting on a better sleeping schedule for next semester.

I think I might try to go cuddle up in my bed again and see what happens.

I'm foreals

I was a little sore today, but its nothing I can't handle ;)

As I was telling my mom, "I like pain...that's why I stretched my ears so big, and tore em every time and just sucked it up. What up bitches!!! Pain is fun..."

She just looked at me crazy...like she normally does when I say something "stupid."

I am so foreal about this gym stuff though.

I feel like people don't think I'm going to stick with it, well actually they've said that in so many words...

They forget how I had/have to fight for everything I have, and I'm going to fucking fight for this.

Its time I do something to make me happy, and not because someone else will benefit from what I'm doing.

I'm so tired of that shit.

Anyways...

Didn't mean to get all ranty.

I really like night time gym sessions.

They remind me of when Chris and I went running at like 3 in the morning.

Ok not entirely, but still.

I'm finna get shit done, and that's that BITCHES!

Big booty ho's hop to it!!

So now that I vented about my problems and went to the gym twice, I feel better.

I was kinda nervous before we did the workout, but it wasn't all that bad.

After that we took a little breather and did another hour.

I feel pretty good about it.

Here comes the lame sappy corny part, just to warn you...

I really feel like I'm finally doing something for me.

I have unwillingly given my life to taking care of thee most laziest, ungrateful people, and now I'm making it about me.

Fuck every one else.

Going to the gym is way more than just losing weight.

Its another step I'm taking to better my life, and make it about me for once.

I mean there are so many reasons why I'm doing this, but in all reality they don't matter, nor do they need to be said.

I just need this.

Blah blah I'm a weakling blah blah spine blah blaaaah

I have A LOT of things wrong with me.

I'm not even going to talk about psychologically...

I have ignored everything for so long.

Last night it all came out.

My back, my knees...like fuck.

So lets start with the easy part...

My knees are both blown out, one has cartilage damage, and I also have some syndrome where the muscles in my thighs are really weak because I didn't go to rehab after my injuries.

That, however, wasn't my fault.

I didn't know I need to go cause I was a kid, and my doctor(who was horrible) didn't say anything.

That's and easy fix, workout my muscle to strengthen them, and wear a brace for my knee(which I don't).

Ok, so now here's the hard stuff...

I have Spondylosis which is a spinal condition where my nerves are basically being pinch my a vertebrae.

I also have a fracture in my spine, which caused the Spondylosis.

On top of that I have nerve damage in my spine, and fibromyalgia.

I didn't even talk about how I have acid reflux and am allergic to animal dander, but have 3 pets...

But those are whatever....

I mean I was told to just "live with it," so that's what I did.

I learned how to ignore being in pain 24/7, and learned people don't want to hear me "whine" about it(at the age of 13), so I just shut up and keep it bottled up.

And you know I'm very good at bottling things up.

I just don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I'm whining about it on here finally.

I'm surprised I waited this long :)

Soooooooo

I joined the gym yesterday.

Worked out at 1am, and duuuuude...

I am fatter than I thought!

Well, at least more out of shape.

I guess that's what happens when you don't do anything for like 6 years...

I just feel like the biggest(fattest) loser cause I used to be able to do this shit pretty easy.

I used to play every sport, and loved get sweaty exercising.

I know that I couldn't help what happened, but still...

Plus I exercise with a damn gym rat!

That skinny bitch run circles around me.

This girl needs to be a personal trainer foreals.

Bitch... :D

I hate

when I see people and I look a mess.

I mean I know it doesn't matter, and I know I always say fuck what other people think of you.

But I was raised to feel like I would never be good enough for anyone, and that I'm worthless and fat and ugly, so its a sort of involuntary reflex to feel ugly all the time.

Lame right?

Normally I'm just like whatever, but when I just throw on some clothes with no makeup, and my hair just thrown in a ponytail or bun, then go out and I see someone I care about I always feel really disgusting and gross.

I am completely aware of how stupid it is, but I can't help but feel like I must look gross and that's all they're thinking.

Don't get me wrong I totally play it off haha.

I don't let it bother me or get to me, but at the same time it kinda does.

I mean I just wish that I can just not have any of those thoughts creep into my brain at all.

I have gotten better at it, but it will always be there.