There's not much to say.

I've said everything.

Over and over...

I'm starting to hate my own voice.

I am so happy that I got to do something completely different Saturday night.

I got to go to a fancy shmancy holiday party with lawyers, attorneys, and doctors.

It was the fanciest thing I have ever been to.

It was a nice change from the parties I normally go to.

I was actually the dumbest one there!

Well I felt like the dumbest one there at least.

But I actually had intellectual conversations with real adults.

It was so much better than the illiterate hoodrats I normally party with.

I even got classily drunk.

Well, tipsy.

Ok...I was drunk, but I carry myself well, so no one knew :)

It was a really good time.

I already was changing shit, and now I am determined to change hella shit.

Like everything.

Being around these new people has opened me up to things

I have been wanting a change of pace so bad and now that I finally got it, I am gonna run with it.

I am about to change some shit up, and if people can't handle it or don't like it than fuck em.

I'm hella done with bending to everyone else's needs and what they want and what will make them happy.

I cannot keep living like that.

I need to be happy.

I need to live for me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not changing the core of who I am or anything.

I am changing my perspective on things, my outlook, the way I do things, and the way I live.

I know that sounds like my whole being, but it isn't.

I'm just so tired of always losing what I want, and letting other people take things from me.

The only way to change all that is to change the things you're doing.

That's what's going to happen.

It's going to be a process, but I can't stop growing.

I need to advance to the next step of my life, cause I'm beyond ready and have been putting it off long enough.

If that means I have to leave people behind, so be it.

If they can't accept my growth as a human than they don't need to see me succeed.

So now I'm just rambling...

All you need to know is I am on to the next chapter of my life, which should've happened a while ago, and it's going to be a crazy ride like it always is :)

I'm finally ready for it.

I WILL Make It

So on top of my dad's issues and my grandpa's issues I ruined a really good relationship, and my brother is in really bad condition.
I have to take care of everything, as I have talked about before.

Naturally, my dad's memory problems/dementia fall into the category of my responsibility.

I really don't mind taking care of people, I actually like to, it's just when I have to do EVERYTHING for everyone, I get overwhelmed.

So my dad only talks to me about his memory problems, and I have to just sit there and be strong for him, and everyone, and keep his secrets.

That's a huge fucking burden.

Then I'm dealing with the fact that my abusive grandfather is dying and my mom and her family are upset and all that comes with their father dying, even if he did what he did and they sweep it under the rug...

Then there's the person I got really close to and then freaked out and ruined anything that was good with them.

Oh, and then the very next day I found out my brother is rejection his heart and it can go either way...

It's safe to say I had a pretty fucked up couple months.

And yes I broke down when I found out about my brother, but that was the first and only time.

I am not a victim, and I will not let this get the best of me.

I am strong and have gotten through a lot of bullshit.

I can and will get through this, with a smile on my face.

Yes, I had a weak moment and messed some shit up, but it's not going to stop me, and I will fix what I have to fix.

Honestly



What the fuck...

Definetely had a weird night...

Got high as fuck and freaked out, again.

Idk the last couple days have been weird...

Meeeeeh!!!

Anyway.

SO before I left to smoke, my brother passed out at my feet and has a seizure.

That was pretty traumatizing...

He then refused to go to the hospital and went to sleep.

Yyyyeah...

So that just adds to everything else...

I got this though.

No more bullshit!

I'm o my shit now, fuck this emo shit!!

Not Breathing

I can't deal with shit right now.

Like I don't understand why people who know what the fuck I'm going through can't at least see wassup with me.

I mean I feel like that's selfish or something, and I'm not asking for every one's attention.

Fuck attention.

All I want is someone to be there when I need them the most.

Why is it that I am always there for every fuckin person, but when I need someone no one is to be found.

Like fuck, people I've only known for like a month were there when other people weren't.

It's fucked up to me.

Like how is it that people I've know for a short while are willing to go out of their way to be with me and my bullshit, when people that should be there from the start are too busy tryna be whatever the fuck they're doing.

I'm so over everything at this point.

Like I really just want to transfer, move away, and start over.

Fuck it.

I can't deal with what I have to deal with, on top of everyone else's bullshit, and then this extra bullshit.

And it's funny cause when I push people away that's when I want them the most.

That's exactly what I did to the one person I want with me the most right now.

I took out some of my anger on them, but their kinda part of the reason I was mad in the first place.

Whatever though...

I have too much to deal with to worry about people who are on that other shit.

I copped some green n I'm bouta blow tomorrow by myself n let everything slowly escape me for awhile...

I don't care if I'm going back on what I told someone.

That's exactly why I don't make promises...

Song of the Day

Was this over before...
Before it ever began?
Your kiss.
Your calls.
Your crutch.
Like the devil's got your hand.
You were my greatest failure.

Discourse your saving song.

You were my greatest mistake.

I fell in love with your sin, you're littlest sin.

 

Where the Fuck are They?!



Inspiration For All



I don't think I've ever really talked about my past issues with addiction.

I actually don't like to think about it, let alone talk about it.

I won't get into specifics, but I had really bad problems with both barbiturates and amphetamines when I was younger.

I was high out of my mind, and a zombie, all through junior high and most of high school.

I was severely depressed, and became a shut in.

I didn't even go to high school.

I went to an independent studies program where I graduated early.

Because of all that, I became extremely anxious.

I realized after that I gained 60 pounds, and was completely disgusted with myself.

I stopped popping pills cold turkey, which sucked ass!

I had withdrawals and couldn't even tell anyone because no one knew I was even addicted.

No one really noticed or cared about me really, so I could get away with ALOT of things.

I have been completely sober for about 3-4 years, I think.

Lately it's been hard to deal with everything though.

I keep it all in and it kind of feels like how it used to be.

I kind of feel alone.

Kind of overwhelmed.

This past week I have had urges to use again.

Things and people have been brought up and its been really hard dealing with it all sober.

I don't really know anyone in my (small) direct circle of people I can talk to about this, and it is extremely hard to just grin and bear it.

I have been fine so far, but I feel like my insides are trying to explode out of my body, and my skin is crawling.

My brain is trying to slither its way out of my head.

I know that doesn't make sense, but neither does being a fucking addict...

I wish I never fucking took any pills.

I wish I never fucking got addicted to anything.

It is the only regret I have in life.

It is THEE worst feeling ever.

I made my decisions and these are the consequences tho...

I'm working through it quietly and will force myself to stay clean and strong.

Fist up!



I will never get to say this to you...

How is someone supposed to react to the news that the person responsible for their fucked up life is going to die soon?

Now, how is someone supposed to feel if the person who was about to die didn't directly affect their life, but was the reason for what happened to them?

In my religion I am taught to forgive as I was forgiven.

I'm not sure I have have forgiven you yet, but I sure as hell have never forgotten what you did.

I will never forget what you did to our family, and the results of it.

Because of you I had to endure abuse.

Because of you I was made to feel like I would never be good enough for anyone.

Because of you I thought I was unlovable.

Because of you I had bruises I had to hide.

Because of you I was fucked up beyond belief.

Because of you I wanted to die.

You got to do what you wanted to do in life.

You got to cheat on your wife, and go out, and have a mistress for 30 years, who even lived in the house with your wife and 7 children.

You beat the shit out of your wife for no apparent reason.

You beat the shit out of your child because you thought she was a "black baby" and your wife "must have cheated on you."

You had your whole family, even your mistress, afraid of you.

No terrified.

You beat, raped, and molested your own child.

It was you who murdered 3 of your children because you beat your pregnant wife and pushed her down the stairs.

You permanently disfigured your daughter because you were drunk.

She will never, ever be "normal."

She has to hide her feet and scares.

She is emotionally, not only physically, ruined because of you.

There are so many more things you've done, that WE all know about...

This is all karma.

These tumors and cancer, and everything else you have going on are all karma.

Cancerous tumors ruined you're ability to move your arms well, your lungs are filled with cancerous tumors it's hard for you to breathe, you are now having to get your arm amputated because the caner is back and the tumors are spreading and growing.

You're weak.

You're vulnerable.

You're dying.

This has been a slow, drawn out death for you, and you deserve every moment of it.

It's funny though how you're torture and pain will live on forever within your family.

I hope you think about it as you die, and remember every single bruise, cut, scrape, scar, and the damage you caused.

I want you to know you're grandchild never got to have a normal childhood because you are a paranoid crazy fuck.

I hate you for it.

But I must try to let it go as I have let you go.

The only thing I thank you for is the fight I have been instilled with.

I will NEVER let a man treat me with anything less than respect.

I will never let a man hit me, or tell me I'm not good enough.

I will love my kids more than anything.

I will make sure they are nurtured and cared for.

They will know I love them.

I will protect other women.

I will fight any man who is like you.

I'm going to do right my your wife, and make her proud.

I am going to marry a man that loves me and won't harm me in any way.

I won't settle for anything less.

So I guess I thank you for showing my what the worst can be, so I can find the best.

Sunday Funday ;)





Never Ever Ever EVER!!!

 But it doesn't matter cause you'll never know...



That fuckin D

There are no words to describe what I'm thinking.

My mind has been fucked in the ass so hard, it's not even funny.

I have no idea what to do, or where to go from here.

My mind wants the things that seem to be available, but still is not sure exactly which thing to take.

There's also a lot of doubt.

Both with the things, and within.

Fuckity fuck fuck!!

Best of Thanksgiving



Lick it all night!!



Speaking in Tounges

I know what I want, but I also know I can't have it...well, pretty sure at least...

The thing I used to want kinda came back, and as much as I wanted it back then, I'm fine with not having it now.

I want this new thing really bad, and the more I deny wanting it, the more my want for it grows.

I haven't wanted something like this this much in a while.

It might be the fact that I know I'm not going to get it, or maybe the fact I know it's not really possible to have it.

I think I just need to cut this thing out of my life until I don't want it anymore, like all bad habits...

But I know even if it's outta sight it will never be outta mind.

Dear God,

When will I find the person who sees through my façade.

Who sees me and not a dumb slut.

Who realizes I'm all talk.

And sees that I'm just a huge asshole to hide what I really feel.

That I care too much about everything.

And overthink every little thing that happens.

When will I find the person I can show my scars to and tell them the real reason I have them.

And tell them everything in my past, good and bad.

Who knows I'm crazy as fuck, but loves me anyway.

And can handle my bipolar mood swings and seemingly schizophrenic randomness.

Who doesn't care where I've come from.

Who wants to help me with my issues.

Who will push me to achieve my goals.

Who won't take my bullshit.

And force me to go out of my comfort zone.

When will I meet the person who will change my life forever and never let me go.

Lifely Emo Shit



Lovely Emo Shit

M. Fucking Shadows!



"Special" Stalker

So I have a stalker, and he WILL NOT leave me alone.
Like at first it was kinda funny, and it wasn't really a big deal...
I didn't really mind him cause he is special (like special ed...literally) and I met him at my job.
When he added me on Facebook I was kinda weirded out cause I didn't know how he found me, but I added him cause I thought it was gonna be like everyone else on Facebook, just adding to add to their friends list or whatever.
Little did I know he was gonna blow up my private messages.
He hits me up all the time and I keep telling him to stop.
I don't know how to block him :(
Urg!!
This weekend it got way worse, so I'm going to have my boss do something about it.
I guess that's "policy."
I'm going to at least have him help me block him from my profile, cause the messages get sent to my phone and 20 messages in a row, every time, gets really really annoying.


Lastnight...except we lit a tree ;)

Boredem Entry: Things That Descibe Me Pt. 11