What a Fucking Asshole

I was just reading my older posts.

I am really dumb.

I have no idea why you people read my posts.

I mean it's funny some of the things I said and post, but somethings were like wtf was I doing.

But it was pretty interesting to see how I have grown in the last 4 years.

It's been a crazy ass journey.

I have come a really long way from who I was.

I mean just thinking about that dark time in my life where I didn't even know if I was going to live to now where I am more than thriving...it's crazy.

I have been sober for 5 years now, and though I don't talk about it at all with anyone, I am proud of myself.

It seems like a lifetime ago that all that happened.

It doesn't even seem real...it's surreal...

I can't believe how stupid I was, and honestly weak.

But I guess in the long run I was actually pretty fucking strong, or at least ended up being so.

I got myself out of the spot without any help from anyone.

And although I feel pretty jaded by people, life, and everything pretty much, life is so much better now.

I can feel, and I don't think a lot of people understand what that means.

The past 3 going on 4 years have been the most I have ever lived.

I'm talking about going out and doing things that are productive and helping people and living life.

Before that I was just wasting time.

It's so crazy where my life ended up, because honestly I never would have thought in a million year I was going to live past 16, let alone be successful.

I don't mean to brag, but I am 22 with 2 degrees headed to 4, and after that 6.

I have 2 cars, one of which is one of my dream cars.

I have a good ass job.

I have some really good people in my life.

And apart from Chris dying, I have pretty much everything I ever wanted.

Granted my living situation is somewhat iffy, it will level out soon enough.

I had a set back when Chris died, but I'm getting back to where I need to be.

Anyway, that being said, looking back at my ratchet ass posts just made me laugh.

It just showed me how much I have changed and how far I have come.

I am glad I did this blog and stuck to it for the most part.

It's always fun to look back and see my dumbass self.

There's going to be a lot of new things happening this year, and I have no idea if I will be posting anything.

This may be the end of the blogs.

I think the end was this year, because I kind of stopped posting.

I will try to keep up as much as I can, but I don't know what will happen.

I love you guys.

Ha, I was reading the posts back when I couldn't even tell people I loved them.

Look where I am now!!

Loving you guys and shit :)

So here's to a new year with new adventures.

I hope whoever is reading this is in a good place in their lives and if not you will get through whatever it is you're dealing with.

Trust me when I say I have been there so many times when it feels like there is no hope and you feel like there is no way anything will ever improve.

Please please please believe me when I say it will.

I'm not just some bullshit PSA, this hopelessness you are feeling will subside.

You just have to keep fighting another day.

Just keep fighting with your chin up and a smile on your face no matter what.

You will win!

Song of the Day

Just cause I've been missing Chris a lot lately.

This song always reminds me of him.
Last night was pretty amazing, but I do wish he was there with me.
It would just made it that much better.
But he's in heaven and the party up there is probably a jillion times better.

Let's Get This Shit Started!!!!!

Hope everyone is having fun and starting the new year the way they wanted to!

Love you guys!!

The End is Nigh!!

This has been THEE craziest year I think I have ever had.

It started off shitty, and it seems like it's going to end pretty shitty.

Don't get me wrong, this year had really good moments, but it's like a sandwich of emotions, bad then good then bad, haha.

This year started with Chris being in the hospital for a major heart rejection and my grandpa dying. 

My grandpa dying was, Melissa's favorite word, bittersweet, kinda.

It was sad to see my last grandparent die, but I was in no way sad that he did die.

He was a horrible man, who did horrible things.

He was never remorseful and never apologized or anything.

I'm just glad my mom got to watch him die, I feel like it was a poetic justice of sorts.

He killed her innocence and childhood, well ruined her life for that matter, and she got to see him take his last breathe.

He also died a miserable death on top of that.

He had some rare form of cancer that started as polyps on his lungs and slowly, and painfully, spread throughout his whole body.

His lungs were completely filled with polyps and he had huge tumors in his arms to where he couldn't move his arms. 

Actually, one of the tumors got so big his skin split and he got gangrene in it.

He ended up in the hospital for a few days in an induced coma where he finally died.

After that his seven children, my mom and her siblings, had to deal with all the shit he left behind.

He had no will, so my crazy ass aunts and uncle fought over everything.

Well the one crazy aunt, alcoholic uncle, and crackhead uncle.

So that was fun...

We also had to clean a 3 story house in San Francisco that was filled to the ceiling on every story with shit.

That is in no way an exaggeration.

It literally was completely full to the ceiling with stuff my grandpa, grandma, and aunt horded.

So after that, Chris was in the hospital with a major heart rejection, after having a seizure at my feet.

That was the first time I have ever been around someone who went into anything like that, so it kinda freaked me out.

On the heart rejection scale of 1, being ok, to 5 being you're dying, he was at a 4.

He ended up being ok after about a month or so.

So after that which was December/January, everything seemed to level out pretty much.

I was in my last semester at CCC about to graduate with honors and 2 degrees.

Chris and I did our thing and went on adventures and got into trouble like we always did.

My sister tagged along sometimes.

It was pretty fucking great.

I graduated in May and for my graduation present we went to Dada Life's rave.

It was my first real rave and it was fucking amazing.

It totally changed my life.

I have been to little raves, if that's what you can call it, but nothing to that magnitude of awesomeness.

Chris, Melissa, and I always talked about it and how it was the best time of our lives and when they come back to California we were going again no matter where it was.

Chris would always talk about it and how it was the best thing ever and it was the best thing to ever happen in his life.

We danced that night for 8 hours straight.

Chris danced even with his heart, and not being able to really be physical like that.

It's something that I never want to forget.

In June one of my cousins got married.

Long story short, Melissa and I got sat at the reject table alone, so I decided we were going to get shitfaced.
Well I decided I was going to get shitfaced and my brother and sister followed my lead haha.

Chris was in the wedding party, as he was asked last minute to be in it.

But at the reception he was with me and Melissa.

We got so fucking drunk!!

I don't really remember that night, well much of it.

That was another night I never want to forget...well at least the parts I remember anyway.

It started off lame and sucky, but in Chris, Melissa, and my fashion, we had the funnest time.

That was the first night ever that me and my siblings got that drunk together.

My 21st birthday Chris was a little tipsy, but he was on hella meds so he wasn't drunk drunk.

This night we were beyond shitfaced.

And to make it better, it was the first time my parents saw me drunk.

And then my whole family on my mom's side saw us drunk.

It just cemented in their heads how ratchet they think we are.

Oh fuckin well!

That night in the hotel apparently was hella funny, but I don't remember it.

After that was my birthday.

It was a surprise party and my brother took me to a drag show.

AH it was so amazing!!

I fucking love drag queens and he knows that, so he took me to go see some.

That's how he was.

If he knew you liked something or were into something he'd research it, or find more info for you on it, or get you it, or whatever he could do to make you have whatever it was.

Like when I wanted an AR15 and a Desert Eagle, he told me everything he knew about them and everything else about guns.

He would go on and on about them and what they does and how they fire and blah blah blah.

He then told me about other guns that'd be cool too.

He planned for us to go shooting when we both got the guns we wanted and all this other stuff.

I don't think I'm ever going to find anyone that's even going to come close to my brother.

Well I found someone who is kinda close, but nothing like how my brother was.

In July my brother went to the ER and we found out that he was in rejection again, and that his electrons in his heart weren't going through like it was supposed to.

They had to do an ablation, which basically means that took a laser and created a scar over his existing scar from his transplant in order for the electrons to go through his heart properly.

The phone call I got the day of the procedure was the worst one ever.

I was at the movies with my best friend for my birthday.

We were walking into the actual theater when my sister called frantic.

She told me that she got a call from the hospital saying we had to get there right away.

My friend and I refunded our tickets and I left to go get my family.

I just remember the whole time praying that he was going to be ok.

I just couldn't loose him right now and I needed him.

I even tried to bargain with God and told him to take me instead.

Lame I know.

We get to the hospital, and I saw my brother in ICU.

They just got him to the room and he was unconscious.

They herded us into a room where the doctor came in balling.

My heart sank as she told us that my brother died on the table and it took an hour to revive him.

She told us that right now they have no idea if he's going to make it and if he did if he'd be a vegetable or not, and that he was on full life support.

They had him in an induced coma and in hypothermia.

They kept him like that for a couple days and slowly heated his body up and took him off the coma meds.

Long story short, he was completely fine.

He came out of it with no problem, which was a total miracle and no one could believe it.
They even wrote a medical journal on him.

I slept in the hospital every day until he woke up.

After that I slept in his room with him when they moved him downstairs.

He couldn't sleep without me there, so I stayed.

He came home toward the end of July, and we went out for my best friend's birthday.

Chris decided he wanted to go out more and do more.

So we did.

About 2 weeks after he got out of the hospital, on August 2nd at 4am, Chris died.

He died while I was giving him CPR, and we were the only ones in the room.

I guess in retrospect it was a good way for him to go.

Just me and him fighting for him to live.

Like it always was.

It was always me and him against the world.

I made a promise before he died that when he died I'd dress up like Hulk Hogan and do the funeral talking and dressed like him, and Melissa had to dress like the Grim Reaper and stand over his casket not saying or doing anything.

You know we kept that promise.

There was no way we wouldn't.

As you know I whole heatedly do not believe in promises, unless you make damn sure to keep them.

It was one of the only promises I have ever made, and I went all out.

Though it was a really sad day, it was in total Chris fashion.

During that time I met this guy.

He's not really important in this story right now.

Well he is pretty important, but I'm keeping him a secret for now.
For Chris's birthday, Melissa and I went to San Diego for Dada Life.
As I said before Chris, Melissa, and I vowed to go to their rave the next time they came to California no matter where they were playing.
Melissa and I did just that and partied all fucking night for Chris.
We were famous that night.
Everyone wanted pictures with us and to dance with us.
We were 2 fat girls dancing non stop the whole night without a care in the world.
I had so many dudes dancing all up on me lol.
It was ridiculous.
And during Dada's set they played all of Chris's songs.
It was the most perfect night.
After that we fucked around San Diego and LA.
It was a 4 day trip and we had so much fun just the two of us for our brother.

The last few months since Chris has died hasn't been easy at all, but I keep going.

I don't stop for anything, as much as I wanted to, I know Chris would have been mad if I did.

It would've been so easy to say fuck it and give up on school, my jobs, my family and friends, on that guy, and on everything else, because honestly, without Chris nothing really matters to me anymore.
It's hard to explain, but nothing even tastes the same, nothing is as funny, everything lost it's meaning.

But I have to keep living and I have to reach my goals.

If I don't I'm letting Chris down.

So as much as tonight is going to suck without him, I'm going to make the best of it.

I'm going to go to the city and drink and watch the fireworks, because that's what my brother would've wanted to do.

This next year is going to be difficult without him, but I just am going to remind myself every time I want to give up that Chris would be pissed if I did.

He was my motivation.

He was my rock.

My everything.

But I just have to find a way to be without him.

I'm just thankful for the people in my life.

The one's that have stayed with me through my disappearing at times, drunken, angry, crazy, highly emotion self.

I want to thank Holly for being there every day through all my bullshit.

I have never had anyone like you that wasn't my siblings.

I love you and thank you.

I can't wait to hear about your sexcapades from tonight ;)

And to the asshole who is all the way across the country right now, thank you for staying with me even after I went crazy on you a couple times.

You are honestly the only reason I kept going even when I didn't want to.

I love you, you fucking shitface.

Fuck you and your chimney sweep!

So all this being said...

I'm looking forward for this next year and everything it's going to bring.

I'm pretty happy where I'm at right now, and who I have in my life.

So bring it on 2014!

I'm ready!!

Song of the Day

This song is so fucking good, and his voice is so fucking sexy!!
I have listened to this song every day since it came out haha.
You know I raped the repeat button!

Long Time

So this whole keeping a blog thing is pretty fucking hard to do when you have so much going on.

But I guess it's a good thing.

It means I have a life haha.

It just means that you guys have nothing to read.

Sorry.

Well let me give you a super long update smashed down into a small paragraph.

Thanksgiving sucked, like I knew it would.

It was the first holiday without my brother, so of course it was awkward.

No one really talked and my sister and I busted our ass cooking and cleaning and doing everything like we do every holiday.

It just isn't the same without Chris.

I'll save that rant for another post though.

I had an interview with Kaiser.

Got the job.

Yee!

I don't want to celebrate yet, because they haven't given me the official call, so I'm waiting to party lol.

I got sick this past week and found out there's something wrong with my liver and it could be pretty serious. 

I don't let on how serious it is to people because then it will freak them out, so I pretend I'm fine, but I feel like shit.

It takes so much to get out of bed and do anything, but I have no choice.

I have way too much to do to be sick.

Fuck being sick!

So that's happening...

Christmas was actually really good this year.

Like one of the best ever, which I completely feel guilty about,

It went pretty well.

As you may know, I'm the type of person that doesn't want presents or anything from anyone, but if people do get me anything I will love it even if its not something I'd like otherwise.

To me the fact someone went out of their way to get me something means so much more than the actual present.

I'm just grateful someone cared enough to think of me.

I just care about getting people presents and seeing their faces when they open it.

I get so excited when I give someone a present!

Anyways!!

Oh yeah, I haven't talked about it at all I don't think, but I have a gentleman friend.

I've been seeing him for a while.

He met my family on Christmas, which was weird, well not really, but it was.

I have never brought anyone home, or even told my parents about anyone I was seeing/fucking so it was kinda a big deal I brought him over for Christmas.

Well in my brain it was.

I think that's all that really happened.

Well all the main things anyway.

So yeah...there you go...

I hope you guys had amazing holidays, and party hard for New Year's!

You guys already know how I get down!!

I'm going to be ravin all night!
I hope you guys all start the year exactly how you want to start it!

Peace, Love, and Parties for all <3

And just because I hate leaving on a bad note...

How Amazing

Sooooooooooo......

I have been sick the past couple days.

Well I actually haven't been feeling well for about a month, but it has gotten worse the last couple days.

I fucking hate going to the doctors, so of course I didn't.

I already had 3 weeks of appointments for all the bullshit happening, so I didn't want to go for another thing.

So I had a phone appointment with my doctor to go over my MRI for my back.

As I was on the phone I told her about me being sick.

And how fun I get to have my first testing to see if my heart is failing. 

How amazing is life.

And like usual no one cares.

It's ok though, I've been handling my shit on my own always, and never expect anyone to be there.

Emo as fuck lol.

I just wish Chris was here is all.

I know that I'm going to be ok.

I can't have heart failure.

That's not going to happen to me or my family again.

Fuck that shit!!

As you know I have had to fight for everything I have and this is going to be no different.

I am not going to let it get to me.

Today I stayed home and threw up all day, but fuck that.

I'm going out tomorrow.

I just refuse to let anything else get in my way.

And if I die because I refuse to slow down, then I guess it was meant to be.

I just worked way too fucking hard to give up or let something stand in my way.

I just feel like the more bad news and bullshit I am given pushes me more to live life to the fullest and do all the things Chris and I had planned.

And I give no fucks what people think or say of me.

Calling me erratic is like calling the sky blue.

It always has been and always will be.

You know what they say about the quiet and crazy...

I've said it before and I will definitely say it again.

Masks and even face paint does things to me...

Gawddd!!

I fucking love them!

I won't say how I like to use them, but it's pretty obvious ;)

Jeffy is so fucking sexy with his painted face!

Here's a link to my past blog about how fucking sexy masks are :)

I'm a freak!

PS if you know who these two men are...I love you!

Ever wonder what my brain would look like in GIF form?

Here you go!



Song of the Day

I think the lyrics speak for themself <3

 

Breathing you in when I want you out.
Finding our truth in a hope of doubt.
Lying inside our quiet drama.
~
Wearing your heart like a stolen dream.
Opening skies with your broken keys.
No one can blind us any longer.
~
We'll run where lights won't chase us.
Hide where love can save us.
I will never let you go.



And The Hits Keep Coming...But I Stay Fighting!

So this past week I have had what seems like a million tests done.

I finally went to the doctor and handled shit.

I have been needing to go back for a couple years now because of my back stuff.

So I went back because of an allergic reaction to the HPV shot, which is great cause now my vagina will probably fall out of my body one day...

Anyway as I was there, since it was my first time seeing this doctor, she asked me my history.

I told her about my back, so she ordered an xray.

She asked about family history as well, obviously I told her about Chris, so she ordered an ultrasound on my heart just as precaution.

So I got a call I think Wednesday saying that my doctor would like to set up a phone appointment with me to go over my test results.

(She said if it was all good she'd send an email, if not a phone appt.)

So I knew it was my xray because I saw my blood work online and it was all good.

I already knew I had preexisting shit with my back, so I figured it was just to talk about that.

Apparently I have an "impressive" amount of fractures in my spine.

She said she was astounded at how many there are.

I have to now get an MRI and go to the spinal clinic to see what the next steps are, ie surgery, injections, etc.

That somewhat freaked me out because anything with anesthesia kinda worries me because of Chris.

I just brushed it off and try not to think about it until whenever I have to deal with it.

 

Today she forwarded me the results of the ultrasound.

She told me that almost everything was normal.

Everything except I have tricuspid regurgitation, which basically is my tricuspid valve doesn't close all the way which is making the blood inside my heart flow backwards.

I now have to keep an eye out for developing heart failure symptoms.

This freaked me out, obviously.

I don't think I would normally be too worried about it, but I just lost my brother because of his heart.

Basically I have similar heart problems in the aspect of I could go into heart failure because of this condition.

I could end up how Chris ended up, and that scares me honestly.

On the other side, nothing could happen and I can go on living a long life until I get old die however I die.

I kind of don't really know how to feel.

All I know is that I am going to keep living like Chris did, and wanted us to.

I try to make the best out of everything no matter how hard it is.

I am overall pretty happy with what I have and who I have.

Everything else can fuck off.

I'm just trying to live a life worth living.

Hella cliche but I don't care!

When I'm old I am going to look back on everything I have done and experienced, and remember how amazing my life was and how many opportunities I got.

No matter what happens, if I die tomorrow or 80 years from now, I have no regrets.

I am not ashamed of what I have gone through and where I am today.

I am proud of my accomplishments and what I have made out of nothing.

I have lost a lot and gained a lot, and I wouldn't ask for a different life.

With everything I have been through, I have gotten through it all fighting my ass off.

I am stronger than most people and can handle anything anyone can throw at me.

God has a plan, and whether you believe in him or not, He will do what is planned.

I love Him and am grateful for the life I was allowed to have, good and bad.

Thank you God for everything you have given me.

I love you and whenever you decide to take me I am ready to go.

Ay Caramba

Where do I even start...

Ever since Chris died my life has gone on a crazy roller coster ride of craziness.

No fucking joke.

Like good and bad.

My life really did change forever when I lost him.

I am trying to take care of myself more like he wanted.

I'm trying to get my shit together and be successful to make him proud.

Honestly the only reason why I have forced myself to do anything this past month was because I know he'd be mad I didn't.

It's been hard but I kept myself going.

Well, I had some help from someone <3

For the most part I have been alone though, and that's what's the hardest.

I was so used to Chris being with me all the time and I loved it.

He was the only person who truly understood me completely.

He understood excatly why I was anxious, mad, sad, upset, happy, crazy, etc.

He was there for me no matter what.

He supported me in what I wanted to do nd even though he made fun of it, he believed in me.

He was the only one in my life that cared about me uncondtionally.

I lost the only person who I felt really was there, and it really fucking sucks.

I could've lost anyone else and probably would have made it easier, but I lost the most important person in my life.

The one that kept me going, and that was my rock.

Now I'm just a big fat blob wobbling around life. Haha.

I got this though!!

I am going to make it and I am going to be fine.

I have mostly good days, but then there's the days I think about what Chris is going to miss.

I think about all the things we had planned, and everything we talked about doing.

I just can't believe he isn't going to be here anymore.

Blah.

I didn't mean to go on a stupid rant :/

Ok enough of this sad shit!

UNICORNS SHITTING RAINBOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!



Song of the Day

So everyone knows how muc hI am in love with Dada Life.

They came out with a new remix.

I have it on fucking repeat!!!!!
It makes me want to shake my ass every time I hear it.



Song of the Day

I have had this on repeat for the past couple days.

I fucking love it!!

I'm excited for this album.

RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan

This song is fucking sexy though...



Yup...



Moving.....somewhere....(VENTING)

Today was kind of a hard day.

Most days are good and I can get through them pretty well, but other straight fucking suck.

I really fucking miss my brother.

The pain I feel from him not being is here is completely indescribable.

I can't even describe how much my brother meant to me.

He was the last good example of a man I had.

Him and my grandpa were my everything, and they are both gone.

I feel so alone now.

Chris was with me all the time.

Like literally all the time.

After class or work I'd be with him.

On top of that he'd text me while I was in class or work.

This summer we were always together because we took classes together, and I wasn't working.

Every morning I'd go into his room and tell him the crazy dream I had.

He would always make fun of how I told him cause I would make sure to say every detail.

I would always lay in his new bed we got him and fall asleep.

We would take naps together.

He always had my back.

Even when we stopped talking for 5 years.

I just found out recently that it really hurt him that we didn't talk.

I always thought he didn't care the whole time, but it hurt him as much as it hurt me.

We never got to talk about that time, but at least we started talking again.

I think the thing that hurts most of all is that he came back two weeks before he died and then was ripped out of my life again in the worst way.

I just don't understand.

That night plays over and over in my mind.

His last breath plays over and over, and I can't help to think that maybe if I did something better or different he'd still be alive.

I know what's done is done, and what God planned happened.

It's just so hard to have to see his face every time I go to sleep.

That moment he took his last breath and his eyes rolled back.....

That's what's killing me.

The past couple nights have been the only time I haven't thought about it.

I'm so thankful that person is in my life.

I just don't feel like it's fair for them to want to be here right now when my brain is completely fucked.

They make me happy though, and I haven't felt this way in a really long time.

I think the only reason why I haven't gone crazy is because of them.

I honestly don't care about what anyone thinks of it either, because those same people keep bringing me down.

Don't fucking say how you're worried about me, but in the same breath fucking telling me to not laugh or joke around.

Pick one...me happy or me sad...

You don't get both...

Through all this I will be fine.

I have gotten through so much before and I will continue to do it until I die.

I will die fighting.

That's just who I am...

Me going out and having a good time with people isn't what should set off alarms.

If these people really fucking knew me they'd know my MO is to stay in my room and not talk to anyone.

I'm pretty sure me...ME!! being social is a good thing....

 

From one of my favorite movies.

It makes me laugh every time :)

 

Good Day and Emo Bullshit

Soooo...

Today was my brother's memorial service.

It was kind of hard during the actual service.

Well, not hard but I'm not sure of the right word.

There were tears shed, and memories shared.

After the service we had a barbecue.

It was pretty fun.

I mean under the circumstances, every one seemed to enjoy themselves.

I definitely was smiling.

I enjoyed all the people who came out in support for me and my family.

It was the last goodbye to Chris, and it ended on a happy note.

After the past two weeks of planning the viewing and memorial service, I reeeeeally need a day or two to myself.

I have been so drained by everything that I just need to do me.

Blah!

Tomorrow I shall get into some trouble and find some fun ;)

There is always going to be a void in my soul from where my brother was, but I refuse to break down and be in a slump.

I am going to find happiness and love.

I am going to live my life to the fullest.

I am going to make Chris proud!