Moving.....somewhere....(VENTING)

Today was kind of a hard day.

Most days are good and I can get through them pretty well, but other straight fucking suck.

I really fucking miss my brother.

The pain I feel from him not being is here is completely indescribable.

I can't even describe how much my brother meant to me.

He was the last good example of a man I had.

Him and my grandpa were my everything, and they are both gone.

I feel so alone now.

Chris was with me all the time.

Like literally all the time.

After class or work I'd be with him.

On top of that he'd text me while I was in class or work.

This summer we were always together because we took classes together, and I wasn't working.

Every morning I'd go into his room and tell him the crazy dream I had.

He would always make fun of how I told him cause I would make sure to say every detail.

I would always lay in his new bed we got him and fall asleep.

We would take naps together.

He always had my back.

Even when we stopped talking for 5 years.

I just found out recently that it really hurt him that we didn't talk.

I always thought he didn't care the whole time, but it hurt him as much as it hurt me.

We never got to talk about that time, but at least we started talking again.

I think the thing that hurts most of all is that he came back two weeks before he died and then was ripped out of my life again in the worst way.

I just don't understand.

That night plays over and over in my mind.

His last breath plays over and over, and I can't help to think that maybe if I did something better or different he'd still be alive.

I know what's done is done, and what God planned happened.

It's just so hard to have to see his face every time I go to sleep.

That moment he took his last breath and his eyes rolled back.....

That's what's killing me.

The past couple nights have been the only time I haven't thought about it.

I'm so thankful that person is in my life.

I just don't feel like it's fair for them to want to be here right now when my brain is completely fucked.

They make me happy though, and I haven't felt this way in a really long time.

I think the only reason why I haven't gone crazy is because of them.

I honestly don't care about what anyone thinks of it either, because those same people keep bringing me down.

Don't fucking say how you're worried about me, but in the same breath fucking telling me to not laugh or joke around.

Pick one...me happy or me sad...

You don't get both...

Through all this I will be fine.

I have gotten through so much before and I will continue to do it until I die.

I will die fighting.

That's just who I am...

Me going out and having a good time with people isn't what should set off alarms.

If these people really fucking knew me they'd know my MO is to stay in my room and not talk to anyone.

I'm pretty sure me...ME!! being social is a good thing....