Song of the Day

So everyone knows how muc hI am in love with Dada Life.

They came out with a new remix.

I have it on fucking repeat!!!!!
It makes me want to shake my ass every time I hear it.



Song of the Day

I have had this on repeat for the past couple days.

I fucking love it!!

I'm excited for this album.

RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan

This song is fucking sexy though...



Yup...



Moving.....somewhere....(VENTING)

Today was kind of a hard day.

Most days are good and I can get through them pretty well, but other straight fucking suck.

I really fucking miss my brother.

The pain I feel from him not being is here is completely indescribable.

I can't even describe how much my brother meant to me.

He was the last good example of a man I had.

Him and my grandpa were my everything, and they are both gone.

I feel so alone now.

Chris was with me all the time.

Like literally all the time.

After class or work I'd be with him.

On top of that he'd text me while I was in class or work.

This summer we were always together because we took classes together, and I wasn't working.

Every morning I'd go into his room and tell him the crazy dream I had.

He would always make fun of how I told him cause I would make sure to say every detail.

I would always lay in his new bed we got him and fall asleep.

We would take naps together.

He always had my back.

Even when we stopped talking for 5 years.

I just found out recently that it really hurt him that we didn't talk.

I always thought he didn't care the whole time, but it hurt him as much as it hurt me.

We never got to talk about that time, but at least we started talking again.

I think the thing that hurts most of all is that he came back two weeks before he died and then was ripped out of my life again in the worst way.

I just don't understand.

That night plays over and over in my mind.

His last breath plays over and over, and I can't help to think that maybe if I did something better or different he'd still be alive.

I know what's done is done, and what God planned happened.

It's just so hard to have to see his face every time I go to sleep.

That moment he took his last breath and his eyes rolled back.....

That's what's killing me.

The past couple nights have been the only time I haven't thought about it.

I'm so thankful that person is in my life.

I just don't feel like it's fair for them to want to be here right now when my brain is completely fucked.

They make me happy though, and I haven't felt this way in a really long time.

I think the only reason why I haven't gone crazy is because of them.

I honestly don't care about what anyone thinks of it either, because those same people keep bringing me down.

Don't fucking say how you're worried about me, but in the same breath fucking telling me to not laugh or joke around.

Pick one...me happy or me sad...

You don't get both...

Through all this I will be fine.

I have gotten through so much before and I will continue to do it until I die.

I will die fighting.

That's just who I am...

Me going out and having a good time with people isn't what should set off alarms.

If these people really fucking knew me they'd know my MO is to stay in my room and not talk to anyone.

I'm pretty sure me...ME!! being social is a good thing....

 

From one of my favorite movies.

It makes me laugh every time :)

 

Good Day and Emo Bullshit

Soooo...

Today was my brother's memorial service.

It was kind of hard during the actual service.

Well, not hard but I'm not sure of the right word.

There were tears shed, and memories shared.

After the service we had a barbecue.

It was pretty fun.

I mean under the circumstances, every one seemed to enjoy themselves.

I definitely was smiling.

I enjoyed all the people who came out in support for me and my family.

It was the last goodbye to Chris, and it ended on a happy note.

After the past two weeks of planning the viewing and memorial service, I reeeeeally need a day or two to myself.

I have been so drained by everything that I just need to do me.

Blah!

Tomorrow I shall get into some trouble and find some fun ;)

There is always going to be a void in my soul from where my brother was, but I refuse to break down and be in a slump.

I am going to find happiness and love.

I am going to live my life to the fullest.

I am going to make Chris proud!

Tough Mudder?

I think I have held up pretty well the past couple weeks.

I mean it's been hard as fuck, but I think I've been pretty strong.

Most of the time I can keep busy with planning his funeral/BBQ, and talking to...people...heh heh

Sometimes it hits me though, and I just think about what he's going to miss.

He's not going to get to see Melissa or I get married or have kids.

He's never going to get married or have kids.

Things like that pass through my mind and it makes me really sad.

I only have my sisters now, but I don't really get to see them that much.

I saw Chris all the time no matter what.

I know I've said it before, but fuck he was a huge part of me.

He really took most of who I am with him when he died.

I just feel so lost without him.

I'm so grateful for the people that have been in my life, especially recently.

I'm pretty sure if I didn't have them to take my mind off Chris and to keep be busy it'd be all bad.

I mean I wouldn't go back to how I was before, but I might have lost it without these people.

Saturday is his memorial, and we are having a barbecue like he always wanted.

I'm kind of sad because it's the last and final goodbye.

Like Saturday I feel like it's going to get real.

This whole fucking thing is so surreal.

It still feels like he's in the hospital.

Fuck.

I just want to lay in his bed and talk about hos like we used to.

I'm really fucking sad, but I am trying to keep a smile cause everyone else has seem to have moved on.

I'm still stuck with the fact I had to watch him die.

I still see his face when I close my eyes.

The memory of that night is stuck in my brain and is stuck on repeat.

I catch myself thinking of what I could've done different.

I feel like I could've saved him somehow.

I know there was no way he would've made it, but I can't let myself relax.

I fucking hate my brain sometimes.

That overthinking motherfucker.

Trying to leave this post on a good note.

Tomorrow night we are going to Mallards to "pregame" his memorial, and to have one last shot/drink for Chris.

I miss you more than anything and my heart hurts every time I think about you.

You made me feel the worst thing I have ever had to feel.

I know you're in a better place and I hope to see you soon.

I love you so much big brother!!



The Hardest Week of My Life...

So I know that my last post was about how my brother woke up from a coma and being on life support.

He came home about a couple weeks ago and he seemed completely fine.

Well on July 2, 2013 at 4:45am my brother died.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

My brother and I spent all day and all night together and he was my soulmate.

We were, as a lot of people put it, two peas in a pod.

I guess I should start by telling you what happened.

It was about 4am when me and Chris decided to go to bed.

He layed down and was complaining he was hot and wasn't feeling well.

I was talking to him a little bit about my sister's surprise party that we had planned for the 4th, her actual birthday is Aug. 5th.

I went to lay down and we talked through the walls like we do every night.

He said he didn't feel well and I asked if he was alright.

He then made a snoring noise.

I thought he was faking sleeping, but realized he wasn't.

I went into his room and found him on the floor.

His body was contorted and he was making a weird breathing noise.

I immediately got my parents.

I wasn't sure what was happening and I told my parents to call 911 as my phone wasn't working and I couldn't find Chris's.

I noticed Chris closing his mouth, so I went to open it and he woke up.

He asked what happened and we said we didn't know, so he replied, "oh, I guess we should go to the hospital then..."

Right after that he went back into this episode of whatever was happening.

I yelled at my parents to call 911 again and again.

My dad was getting dressed because I guess he was just going to drive my brother.

My mom had to run into her room to get her phone to call.

We thought my dad was doing it...

She called and that's when they had me start CPR.

As I was doing CPR his lips turned blue and his eye rolled back into his head, and the things that happened after you die happened (I'm not getting into that).

I did CPR until the sheriff arrived and told me to stop.

He told me to stop and then the firemen cam in and hooked my brother up to the heart monitor.

While all this was going on my parents left the room.

I was alone with my brother doing the CPR, and watched him die alone.

I was alone until they took my brother outside to the stretcher on the lawn and continued CPR.

I found my parents outside and I told them that they couldn't find a pulse inside.

They then moved him to the ambulance where they continued CPR.

After a while they drove to the hospital...no sirens...

I wanted to believe whole heatedly that he would come back like he did not even a month ago.

We got to the hospital and they brought my family (mom, dad, sister, and I) into the chapel where the doctor came in and told us he was dead.

He was DOA, dead on arrival.

My heart right then and there shattered into a million pieces.

I don't know how to describe it, but this feeling, or lack there of, is horrible.

I feel like it was my fault.

Like I didn't do enough, or I didn't do CPR right.

Maybe if we called 911 faster he would be here.

I should've went to find a phone.

I haven't left my brother's side, but now I have to let him go, but I can't.

He was the first person I saw when I woke up and the last when I went to sleep.

Saying we were close is an understatement and calling us soulmates is probably the only way I can describe our bond.

I have no idea how to go no without him.

We had so many plans and wanted to do so many things.

I still haven't come to grips with him being gone.

It feels like he's still in the hospital, like all the times before.

Even at his viewing on Friday.

I saw his body in the casket and touched him and said goodbye, but I still can't comprehend that he's gone.

We did his viewing exactly how he made me and my sister promise to.

I was Hulk Hogan and my sister was the Grim Reaper.

I haven't really slept since he died because all I see when I close my eye is his last breath.

His memorial service is this coming Saturday and we are going to do it big again.

I mean with all this being said I don't have anything to say.

People keep asking how I'm doing, and I don't know how to say "well I'm fucking lost after watching my brother die as I was trying to save his life..."

He was my big brother, best friend, wingman, soulmate, partner in crime.

I lost everything when I lost him.

I honestly don't know how long or when I even can start to pick up the pieces.

I do promise to do everything I do for him.

I am going to make him proud of me.

I love you so much Boobala and it hurts so much that you are gone.

Rest in Peace big brother