So I know that my last post was about how my brother woke up from a coma and being on life support.
He came home about a couple weeks ago and he seemed completely fine.
Well on July 2, 2013 at 4:45am my brother died.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
My brother and I spent all day and all night together and he was my soulmate.
We were, as a lot of people put it, two peas in a pod.
I guess I should start by telling you what happened.
It was about 4am when me and Chris decided to go to bed.
He layed down and was complaining he was hot and wasn't feeling well.
I was talking to him a little bit about my sister's surprise party that we had planned for the 4th, her actual birthday is Aug. 5th.
I went to lay down and we talked through the walls like we do every night.
He said he didn't feel well and I asked if he was alright.
He then made a snoring noise.
I thought he was faking sleeping, but realized he wasn't.
I went into his room and found him on the floor.
His body was contorted and he was making a weird breathing noise.
I immediately got my parents.
I wasn't sure what was happening and I told my parents to call 911 as my phone wasn't working and I couldn't find Chris's.
I noticed Chris closing his mouth, so I went to open it and he woke up.
He asked what happened and we said we didn't know, so he replied, "oh, I guess we should go to the hospital then..."
Right after that he went back into this episode of whatever was happening.
I yelled at my parents to call 911 again and again.
My dad was getting dressed because I guess he was just going to drive my brother.
My mom had to run into her room to get her phone to call.
We thought my dad was doing it...
She called and that's when they had me start CPR.
As I was doing CPR his lips turned blue and his eye rolled back into his head, and the things that happened after you die happened (I'm not getting into that).
I did CPR until the sheriff arrived and told me to stop.
He told me to stop and then the firemen cam in and hooked my brother up to the heart monitor.
While all this was going on my parents left the room.
I was alone with my brother doing the CPR, and watched him die alone.
I was alone until they took my brother outside to the stretcher on the lawn and continued CPR.
I found my parents outside and I told them that they couldn't find a pulse inside.
They then moved him to the ambulance where they continued CPR.
After a while they drove to the hospital...no sirens...
I wanted to believe whole heatedly that he would come back like he did not even a month ago.
We got to the hospital and they brought my family (mom, dad, sister, and I) into the chapel where the doctor came in and told us he was dead.
He was DOA, dead on arrival.
My heart right then and there shattered into a million pieces.
I don't know how to describe it, but this feeling, or lack there of, is horrible.
I feel like it was my fault.
Like I didn't do enough, or I didn't do CPR right.
Maybe if we called 911 faster he would be here.
I should've went to find a phone.
I haven't left my brother's side, but now I have to let him go, but I can't.
He was the first person I saw when I woke up and the last when I went to sleep.
Saying we were close is an understatement and calling us soulmates is probably the only way I can describe our bond.
I have no idea how to go no without him.
We had so many plans and wanted to do so many things.
I still haven't come to grips with him being gone.
It feels like he's still in the hospital, like all the times before.
Even at his viewing on Friday.
I saw his body in the casket and touched him and said goodbye, but I still can't comprehend that he's gone.
We did his viewing exactly how he made me and my sister promise to.
I was Hulk Hogan and my sister was the Grim Reaper.
I haven't really slept since he died because all I see when I close my eye is his last breath.
His memorial service is this coming Saturday and we are going to do it big again.
I mean with all this being said I don't have anything to say.
People keep asking how I'm doing, and I don't know how to say "well I'm fucking lost after watching my brother die as I was trying to save his life..."
He was my big brother, best friend, wingman, soulmate, partner in crime.
I lost everything when I lost him.
I honestly don't know how long or when I even can start to pick up the pieces.
I do promise to do everything I do for him.
I am going to make him proud of me.
I love you so much Boobala and it hurts so much that you are gone.
Rest in Peace big brother
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