Tough Mudder?

I think I have held up pretty well the past couple weeks.

I mean it's been hard as fuck, but I think I've been pretty strong.

Most of the time I can keep busy with planning his funeral/BBQ, and talking to...people...heh heh

Sometimes it hits me though, and I just think about what he's going to miss.

He's not going to get to see Melissa or I get married or have kids.

He's never going to get married or have kids.

Things like that pass through my mind and it makes me really sad.

I only have my sisters now, but I don't really get to see them that much.

I saw Chris all the time no matter what.

I know I've said it before, but fuck he was a huge part of me.

He really took most of who I am with him when he died.

I just feel so lost without him.

I'm so grateful for the people that have been in my life, especially recently.

I'm pretty sure if I didn't have them to take my mind off Chris and to keep be busy it'd be all bad.

I mean I wouldn't go back to how I was before, but I might have lost it without these people.

Saturday is his memorial, and we are having a barbecue like he always wanted.

I'm kind of sad because it's the last and final goodbye.

Like Saturday I feel like it's going to get real.

This whole fucking thing is so surreal.

It still feels like he's in the hospital.

Fuck.

I just want to lay in his bed and talk about hos like we used to.

I'm really fucking sad, but I am trying to keep a smile cause everyone else has seem to have moved on.

I'm still stuck with the fact I had to watch him die.

I still see his face when I close my eyes.

The memory of that night is stuck in my brain and is stuck on repeat.

I catch myself thinking of what I could've done different.

I feel like I could've saved him somehow.

I know there was no way he would've made it, but I can't let myself relax.

I fucking hate my brain sometimes.

That overthinking motherfucker.

Trying to leave this post on a good note.

Tomorrow night we are going to Mallards to "pregame" his memorial, and to have one last shot/drink for Chris.

I miss you more than anything and my heart hurts every time I think about you.

You made me feel the worst thing I have ever had to feel.

I know you're in a better place and I hope to see you soon.

I love you so much big brother!!