...

Haven't been on all week.

My computer crashed.

Lost EVERYTHING on my computer.

Fucking livid.

I'm used to shit like this happening though.

I don't understand why I'm always thrown so many fucking curve balls all the time...

Lost extremely important stuff.

I need to get out of this hell hole...

Stupid sleep pattern!!!

So I was heeeeeeella tired around 10 something, and I decided I would try to go to sleep early and see if I can wake up early(like 7am-ish).

I totally forgot my body won't let me get a full night's rest until after midnight/1am :(

So now I am awake 4 hours later...

I guess I had a nice nap...

I'd like to be sleeping right now.

Especially because I have to wake up in a few hours.

This happens every time too, haha.

So much for getting on a better sleeping schedule for next semester.

I think I might try to go cuddle up in my bed again and see what happens.

I'm foreals

I was a little sore today, but its nothing I can't handle ;)

As I was telling my mom, "I like pain...that's why I stretched my ears so big, and tore em every time and just sucked it up. What up bitches!!! Pain is fun..."

She just looked at me crazy...like she normally does when I say something "stupid."

I am so foreal about this gym stuff though.

I feel like people don't think I'm going to stick with it, well actually they've said that in so many words...

They forget how I had/have to fight for everything I have, and I'm going to fucking fight for this.

Its time I do something to make me happy, and not because someone else will benefit from what I'm doing.

I'm so tired of that shit.

Anyways...

Didn't mean to get all ranty.

I really like night time gym sessions.

They remind me of when Chris and I went running at like 3 in the morning.

Ok not entirely, but still.

I'm finna get shit done, and that's that BITCHES!

Big booty ho's hop to it!!

So now that I vented about my problems and went to the gym twice, I feel better.

I was kinda nervous before we did the workout, but it wasn't all that bad.

After that we took a little breather and did another hour.

I feel pretty good about it.

Here comes the lame sappy corny part, just to warn you...

I really feel like I'm finally doing something for me.

I have unwillingly given my life to taking care of thee most laziest, ungrateful people, and now I'm making it about me.

Fuck every one else.

Going to the gym is way more than just losing weight.

Its another step I'm taking to better my life, and make it about me for once.

I mean there are so many reasons why I'm doing this, but in all reality they don't matter, nor do they need to be said.

I just need this.

Blah blah I'm a weakling blah blah spine blah blaaaah

I have A LOT of things wrong with me.

I'm not even going to talk about psychologically...

I have ignored everything for so long.

Last night it all came out.

My back, my knees...like fuck.

So lets start with the easy part...

My knees are both blown out, one has cartilage damage, and I also have some syndrome where the muscles in my thighs are really weak because I didn't go to rehab after my injuries.

That, however, wasn't my fault.

I didn't know I need to go cause I was a kid, and my doctor(who was horrible) didn't say anything.

That's and easy fix, workout my muscle to strengthen them, and wear a brace for my knee(which I don't).

Ok, so now here's the hard stuff...

I have Spondylosis which is a spinal condition where my nerves are basically being pinch my a vertebrae.

I also have a fracture in my spine, which caused the Spondylosis.

On top of that I have nerve damage in my spine, and fibromyalgia.

I didn't even talk about how I have acid reflux and am allergic to animal dander, but have 3 pets...

But those are whatever....

I mean I was told to just "live with it," so that's what I did.

I learned how to ignore being in pain 24/7, and learned people don't want to hear me "whine" about it(at the age of 13), so I just shut up and keep it bottled up.

And you know I'm very good at bottling things up.

I just don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I'm whining about it on here finally.

I'm surprised I waited this long :)

Soooooooo

I joined the gym yesterday.

Worked out at 1am, and duuuuude...

I am fatter than I thought!

Well, at least more out of shape.

I guess that's what happens when you don't do anything for like 6 years...

I just feel like the biggest(fattest) loser cause I used to be able to do this shit pretty easy.

I used to play every sport, and loved get sweaty exercising.

I know that I couldn't help what happened, but still...

Plus I exercise with a damn gym rat!

That skinny bitch run circles around me.

This girl needs to be a personal trainer foreals.

Bitch... :D

I hate

when I see people and I look a mess.

I mean I know it doesn't matter, and I know I always say fuck what other people think of you.

But I was raised to feel like I would never be good enough for anyone, and that I'm worthless and fat and ugly, so its a sort of involuntary reflex to feel ugly all the time.

Lame right?

Normally I'm just like whatever, but when I just throw on some clothes with no makeup, and my hair just thrown in a ponytail or bun, then go out and I see someone I care about I always feel really disgusting and gross.

I am completely aware of how stupid it is, but I can't help but feel like I must look gross and that's all they're thinking.

Don't get me wrong I totally play it off haha.

I don't let it bother me or get to me, but at the same time it kinda does.

I mean I just wish that I can just not have any of those thoughts creep into my brain at all.

I have gotten better at it, but it will always be there.

I want!

I really want this.

I think I'm going to have to see if I can remember how to cross-stitch, and make one myself.

Yeah...I know how to cross-stitch...

I also know how to sew, knit, crochet, and quilt...what up bitches :)

Don't even think about saying anything about how women should know how to do those things!

What...Up...

I am completely used to people saying how crazy, weird, unusual...scary...I am, and I know I am.

I mean its no secret :)

I just don't understand why people think its so outlandish that I love "old/vintage" things.

I effing love everything from 50-60-70 years ago.

From the shows to the music, I love it all!

I love watching Johnny Carson, Betty White, Carol Bernette, Mary Tyler Moore, Lucille Ball, and the countless other actors/performers from back then.

I love the 50's pin-up era.

Everyone knows I love Marilyn (Monroe) and Frank (Sinatra).

I love everything from the past.

I guess I'm "old school" as my friend puts it.

I don't see it as weird, or whatever people call it, I mean I guess its sort of unusual for someone my age to like these things, but I'm an "old soul."

I really hate saying that cause I feel like it sounds so cheesy, and like a little kid saying they're grown.

But I mean its true, and my family and people who know me always say that.

~anyway~

I love that I love the "vintage" things, and I want people in my life to love that I love those things too.

So if you gonna hate, den get da fuck outta hear bitch!

TeeHee, I kid.

Song of the Day

This song is about me.

But I don't want Drake singing it to me...I want someone better ;)
Yeah, I put an emo picture of a sad child...Say summin!



Set the standard

So I'm pretty sure Trent, from Daria, is the reason I like dirty, grungy men :)

I remember when I was little I thought he was cute, well for a cartoon anyway...

I liked what he represented I'll put it like that haha.

Cause I feel like having a crush on a cartoon is kinda...you know...

ANYWAY!

So I think he's the reason I talk/like grungy, dirty, scruffy, stoner-esk dudes.

Yep...that's why...

Just thought I'd share that...

"Angry fat woman on a rampage"

I've heard from a lot of people that I have an anger problem, and that I get angry really easy.

I have always laughed it off because whenever I got "mad" it was jokingly.

But I think I kinda have to admit it now.

I mean I can get really angry very easy sometimes.

But I bottle it up and don't let anyone know how angry I am.

But all that bottled up rage sometimes comes out a little and I lash out.

Sometimes it takes everything I have not to smash some one's head in.

Maybe its time to find an outlet for my anger...

I'm so effing amazing.

So a couple day after Christmas my family was at Melissa's for dinner.

Chris was like, "When I enter a room, my theme song in my head is Hulk Hogan's intro..."

(well he said something along those lines...)

Melissa laughed and said, "I don't know it..."

Chris plays it on his phone but Melissa couldn't hear it, so I sang the chorus with full gusto ;)

Then I say, "When I walk into a room, my theme song I play in my head is Dusty Rhodes's intro!!"

Melissa doesn't know that one either.

So I sing, "AMEEEEEEEEERIIIIIIIICAAAAAAAAAAAAN...................DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAEEEEEEEAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!"

And then do the little dance he does.

Melissa asks if I do the dance when I walk in.
I say, "Yeah, but I don't sing it so I look kinda weird probably..."
Everyone cracks up.

I'm going to die a wrestling nerd!

Kinda sorta

I'm feeling pretty alright.

I mean I get winded having a simple conversation, as well as other tasks, but other than that I'm pretty good.

I've just been thinking a lot about stuff and I need to put my thoughts somewhere.

I have so much planned for this year.

When I think about everything I want to do and am going to do, I kinda get overwhelmed.

I think I might just be really nervous and anxious because I was a loser who had extreme social anxiety and agoraphobia, and this year I am actually going to be out and go places (pretty far away) and meet a whole lot of new people and move in to a whole new area.

Plus all the other stresses I have in life are added in.

It sometimes is just too much to take in, but my brain always has to over think everything, so I can't turn off the thoughts.

Its going to be a crazy ride, and I invite you to join me :D

HAHA that was super cheesy!!

Still feel pretty crappy, but I'm coughing way less.

I still can't talk because I can't really breathe.

I mean I can talk but I get out of breath...so I just try not to talk, which is very very hard for me :)

No one cares anyway so I don't really have anyone to talk to, so I guess it's not really all that hard.

I just get ignored most of the time.

There is the "you need to clean up tomorrow" when my mom gets home, but I just ignore her like she does me when I'm hacking up my lungs and then can't really catch my breath after.

But I've learned along time ago no one will take care of me, so I need to do it on my own.

I guess it made me a stronger person, because I just suck it up instead of acting like a whiny ass baby when I don't feel well.

Most people can't say that.

So I guess feeling like shit and having to force yourself out of bed to get things done because you have lazy fucks as family makes a person strong.

Huh...who would've thought ;)

Ummm....

So I had a consultation with a doctor over the phone today.

Apparently they do that now...

I have a lung infection.

I am now on cough syrup with codeine in it, cough pills for the mucus, and an inhaler.

I have to take the inhaler with a chamber.

I feel so cool...the fat kid taking an inhaler to breathe...how perfect...

But I kid of course.

I've never had to be on an inhaler before, it taste like helium but without the cool voice effects.

My chest muscles hurt so bad from coughing as hard as I do, but at least the coughs aren't as frequent.

Hopefully all is well soon.

I don't to have to deal with this when the semester starts.

That would really suck.

(This is what the inhaler and chamber look like.)

Oh poop.

I have been had 3 ailments in the last 2 weeks.

I have been sick since the Friday before Christmas.

It's pretty lame.

I was better for a couple days(New Year's Eve and Day), but then I spent three days with Sarah who was/is really sick.

I caught a sickness from her, which I found out today is a lung infection.

I'm not mad or trippin off it.

I just reeeeeeeally want to stop coughing.

The muscles in my throat and lungs hurt like a mother, but it is way better than strep throat at least.

I think I might have to go to minor injury to get checked out this weekend since I don't have a doctor.

The only reason I say I might have to go is because the coughs are getting progressively worse.

I'm taking a bunch off cough meds and they aren't working at all.

Plus I'm eating cough drops like it's nobodies business.

I'm going to be so happy when I'm healthy, and get to finally rest before starting a very hectic semester.

Heh...

What. Up.

I am excited for this year.

Turning 21.

Going to LA.

Moving out.

Graduating college with honors and two degrees.

Transferring to CSU East Bay/Hayward.

Celebrating a one year anniversary.

Plus everything else that will happen.

I feel like this is going to be a good year.

Song of the Day

Delicious man and a delicious song.
I'll let them speak for me...


(PS I am well aware Kurt didn't do this song...I just feel like his quote goes with how this song makes me feel.)

Real family

I am really happy that I got to spend time with my sister and nephew!

Even though she was sick and he was being bad, it was still fun.

I can honestly say I love them.

She has my back no matter what, and I have hers.

The party was pretty fun, but kinda boring at some parts.

Overall New Year's was a good time.

I'm tired and sick as hell.

Luckily I have two more weeks before school.

I'm going to stay home and be lazy as a muhfucka!